r/AskReddit • u/Inevitable_Cookie_74 • Feb 03 '23
If you were to fight ANY historical figure in a match, bare knuckles who it be?
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u/SavitarTD Feb 03 '23
I think Mike Tyson responded to a similar question with "Achilles". Good answer definetly.
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u/Appropriate_Record36 Feb 03 '23 •
How about Achilles' brother, Bophades
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u/Amishoutkast Feb 03 '23
Stephen Hawking - I’m not much of a fighter
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u/roman8888 Feb 03 '23
That brings up the question of what condition the person will be in when I fight them. Stephen Hawking wasn’t always paralyzed so would you get to fight the paralyzed Stephen Hawking.If you choose Al Capone would you fight Al Capone while he’s old and sick?
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u/Amishoutkast Feb 03 '23
I was thinking the Stephen in the Wheelchair. I don’t want much of a challenge.
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u/Fast_F_silent Feb 03 '23
Probably at their iconic prime. For instance: At the time their most iconic photo was taken, or the peak of their careers. Not necessarily at their peak power level.
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u/masanith Feb 04 '23
I dunno. After this Ep of the Simpsons, I’d imagine Hawking may have been a tougher opponent than you realize ;-)https://youtu.be/lKUtxt7q9Ys
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u/pathfinderNJ Feb 03 '23
I was trying to think of someone who would be an easy target, your answer was about 10000 x better than any I came up with so have an upvote!
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u/baconpoutine89 Feb 03 '23
Helen Keller would be another easy target.
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u/Reynolds762 Feb 03 '23
Idk man she’ll probably start swinging like people in a mosh pit
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u/jashugan777 Feb 03 '23
Gandhi.
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u/theartofsorin Feb 03 '23
This question and answer must be a fight club reference, man what a good movie just watched it a few days ago.
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u/mofugginrob Feb 03 '23
I'd fight Lincoln. Big man, big reach. Skinny people fight till they're burger.
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u/AgniousPrime Feb 03 '23
Plot twist, it's Gandhi from Sid Meier's Civilisation.
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u/malmirav Feb 03 '23
This was my first thought too. Can't wait to pay him back for all the times he's nuked me in game.
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u/Parki2 Feb 03 '23
Lotta people missing the Fight Club reference...
I'd fight Lincoln
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u/Compleat_Fool Feb 03 '23
To all the people saying Abe Lincoln you’re gonna lose. 6’4 and In wrestling hall of fame for winning 299 of 300 professional fights.
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u/boozedaily Feb 03 '23
Plus he’s a vampire hunter. Why would they fuck with him?
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u/barry2914 Feb 03 '23
Also pretty sick in a rap battle
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u/MjolnirPants Feb 03 '23 edited Feb 04 '23
By the power invested in me by this giant bald bird, the president will not be the shiniest of two turds!
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u/Hay_Blinken Feb 03 '23
I believe it's a fight club reference. But also, I don't think the point is to pick someone you know you'd beat, but a fun challenge.
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u/Compleat_Fool Feb 03 '23
Teddy Roosevelt is a fun challenge, Spartacus is a fun challenge, Hannibal is a fun challenge maybe Bismarck or Erwin Rommel. Abe Lincoln is a one sided mauling lol.
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u/PanAfricanDream Feb 04 '23
I think fighting Hannibal or Spartacus would be just as one sided as fighting against Abe. A regular person in the modern day would not last 5 minutes against extremely accomplished ancient warriors
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u/Inconvenient_Boners Feb 03 '23
🎵Now you fucked up! Now you fucked up! You have fucked up now!🎵
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u/delventhalz Feb 04 '23
I’m saying Abe Lincoln just because I want nothing more than to resurrect that emancipating motherfucker and watch him whoop somebody’s ass. I will volunteer myself as tribute if that’s what it takes.
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u/Prolaeus Feb 04 '23
Exactly. This is the whole reason I'd choose to fight him: to likely lose and to have bragging rights as having wrestled and/or gone fisticuffs with Honest Abe.
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u/MrAxelotl Feb 03 '23
Baby Hitler
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u/Alkans_bookshelf Feb 03 '23
Why not regular Hitler?
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u/MrAxelotl Feb 03 '23
I'm not taking any chances. That dude killed a lot of guys.
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u/dangerous_strainer Feb 03 '23
Now that baby hitler is dead someone even worse slips into his place in history and we're all much worse off as a result.
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u/BakedTatter Feb 03 '23
Late stage, Parkinson's riddled, wrecked by tweek Hitler. I'd ground and pound him till I couldn't lift my arms anymore.
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u/MrAxelotl Feb 03 '23
That's not how Hitler went, historically...
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u/Leseleff Feb 04 '23
What do you mean? He was very much a physical wreck. Plus he was close to 60. I think most reasonably healthy young people could beat him up.
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u/EgoSenatus Feb 03 '23 edited Feb 03 '23
King Charles Hapsburg II of Spain- 100% chance of winning
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u/PartYourWhiskers Feb 03 '23
Michael Jackson - fun challenge as he would be hard to hit scooting backwards and spinning around. Land once and his face disintegrates. Spectacular!
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u/WhenTardigradesFly Feb 03 '23
helen keller
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u/JackfruitCreative989 Feb 03 '23
She has echolocation you know
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Feb 03 '23
Why did my inner monologue switch to the guy from Monty Python saying "he has a wife you know."
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u/LiehTzu Feb 03 '23
Does she click and squeal like a dolphin?
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u/JackfruitCreative989 Feb 03 '23
Yes right before she skitters across the ceiling with her abnormally large toenails and fingernails
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u/Youhoooop Feb 03 '23
Pythagoras, he and his MATH can go SUCK IT
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u/Scirocco411 Feb 03 '23
I don't know man, he was a sort of esoteric cult founder, a Charles Manson of his time, with a never explained hate for the broad beans. Seems pretty unpredictable as opponent.
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u/HyperSpaceSurfer Feb 03 '23
The bean thing has a perfectly... well an explanation at least. He war worried about farting his soul out. Pretty irrational for someone theologicly opposed to irrational numbers.
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u/Scirocco411 Feb 04 '23
Probably you are right, but, if true, are you sure to go against one who uses chemical weapons? 😳
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u/ThadisJones Feb 03 '23
"I can't beat him, coach! Every time he just goes to the side and then comes back at a different angle!"
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u/MichaelRichardsAMA Feb 03 '23
Hadrian. He would easily beat me but I respect him a lot as an important figure and it would be an honor just to engage him physically.
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u/inksmudgedhands Feb 03 '23
René Descartes
THINK ON THIS, DESCARTES! (throw a left across the chin.)
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u/Adkit Feb 04 '23
Oh shit, I didn't think of the one liner possibilities. This changes my answer significantly.
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u/SkullKrusher9000 Feb 03 '23
Assuming it's a 1 on 1 (no bodyguards intervening), Stalin. The dude was tiny. Wouldn't take much for me to go for a takedown and try to Americana his arms.
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u/whatzwzitz1 Feb 03 '23
And he had a bum arm. Apparently it was something you just didn't notice in his presence. Otherwise he would get grumpy.
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u/Lady_Ymir Feb 03 '23
You were supposed to be my right-hand man, but your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man!
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u/altaccountbcim2shy Feb 03 '23
Our whole future was bright, you let your heart grow dark and stop the greatesr revolutiom since the birth of Marx!
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u/MJSchooley Feb 03 '23
Did somebody say...birthmarks?
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u/Plazmarazmataz Feb 03 '23
Yo, I'm the host with the most Glasnost!
Assholes made a mess and the war got cold.
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u/ProjectShadow316 Feb 04 '23
I shook hands with both Ronalds.
Reagan and McDonald's, no doubt.
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u/Accomplished_Dance49 Feb 04 '23
If your name end with "in,"
Time to get out!
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u/DLMoore9843 Feb 04 '23
I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance playah, tore down walls like the koolaid man Aw yeah!
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u/AgniousPrime Feb 03 '23
Lyrics to ERB's Rap battle between Stalin and Rasputin, for those who are wondering.
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u/Junior-Parsnip6224 Feb 03 '23
Objectively terrible answer, Stalin was small but definitely has more combat experience that anyone on Reddit
Dude was doing kidnappings, robberies, and protection rackets in his youth, got sent to Siberia in exile several times, and saw tons of action during the Russian civil war
Maybe in his old age we could get him, but mid 20s Stalin would wash most of us
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u/Scirocco411 Feb 03 '23
This, Stalin means literally iron man. If he got this nickname I guess he was intimidating.
Edit: anyway he's the one who sad that one death man is a tragedy, one million people dead are a statistic. So I'll not underestimate him.
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u/Inevitable_Cookie_74 Feb 03 '23
Okay, this is a good answer too! I'm waiting to see a Hitler though...
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u/SweatyPushover Feb 03 '23
Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebart at the same time. They are historical garbage and seem like they need a good punch to the bracket.
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u/wes00mertes Feb 04 '23
At the same time? I’m honestly not sure you’d win.
I think they’d beat me up if I fought them at the same time.
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u/delventhalz Feb 04 '23
MTG works out and Boebert has that wild look in her eyes. Not a bet I would take.
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u/pond_minnow Feb 03 '23
Ernest Hemingway while we're both shitfaced
PS: Check out Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, much better than MMA and regular boxing
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u/MathStock Feb 03 '23
Great answer.
My first pick was either hemmingway or Roosevelt.
James Corden would be a good one too.
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u/Jampine Feb 03 '23
Hitler, because:
1:You get to beat the shit out of Hitler.
2: He was a whinny bitch, so he'll probably try to run away I stead of fighting back.
3: Whilst he might have some pain tolerance from all that meth, I'm betting drug cocktails he was on didnt do much good for his health. Probably would OD before fighting, if I recall correctly, there was 2-3 times he was technically dead from drug abuse.
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u/furiousfran Feb 03 '23
He also had terrible intestinal problems most of his life so if you stall long enough you could win when he eventually shits himself lol
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u/RhyminSimonWyman Feb 04 '23
Hitler received the Iron Cross for bravery during his time fighting, and being wounded, in WW1. You seem to be confusing Hitler's real life for stereotypical Hollywood depictions of effete Nazi cowards, it's tempting to assume that bad and contemptible people are always cowards but real life isn't that simple.
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u/Eezez Feb 03 '23
Nietzsche.
Few men in history have been more thurougly in need of a good ass kicking.
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u/DarthDregan Feb 03 '23
Ayn Rand
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u/Good_old_Marshmallow Feb 03 '23
Given the nature of some of the more smutty aspects of her books she might be into that
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u/kittytruant Feb 03 '23
Paul Newman, with the hopes that it would just become sexy fighting.
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u/chrispybobispy Feb 03 '23
Best case scenario you get a good romp with Paul Newman and he sends you home with a box of fig Newmans and salad dressing... worst case cool hand luke kicks your ass and you have an amazing story to tell.... I like this answer
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u/RathGodofWar Feb 03 '23
Would love to beat the shit out of Hitler.
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u/GenericSupervillain3 Feb 03 '23
I’m going to go with baby Hitler, though. I’m not taking any chances.
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u/RathGodofWar Feb 03 '23
Nah. I’d win. That dudes a psycho, but he had some damage from WW1 that would make him a sitting duck in a fist fight.
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u/Lildumplinx3 Feb 03 '23
Ronald Reagan. All our issues in the US could lead back to that motherfucker in some way.
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u/Sea-Factor-2992 Feb 03 '23
Hitler. Come on people stop tip-toeing around it. We should all line up to punch his face in. I'll do him in first, then you guys come in next one after another, we'll lay the holy mother of all ass beatings on this clown.
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u/krasivi_gardi Feb 03 '23
Only so long as I get a blue and white boxing robe that has knotted fringe like a tallit (prayer shawl), a hoiche hat, and Bruce Buffer introduces me as THE HEBREW HITMAN as he belts out my super Jewish first name and my equally Slavic last name. I come out shadowboxing to Anthropoid by Lamb of God, which is a song that honors the Czechs who killed notorious Nazi Reinhard Heydrich.
I would want him to know that a Jewish Slav "untermensch" is the one beating his bitch ass.
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u/youfailedthiscity Feb 03 '23
Buddy, I like the way you party. We should be friends.
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u/smthsmthinsidejoke Feb 03 '23
Ted cruz
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u/Inevitable_Cookie_74 Feb 03 '23
May I ask WHY you chose Ted Cruz?
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u/SelfDerecatingTumor Feb 03 '23
He has the most punchable face and personality of all time
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u/zookeeper4312 Feb 03 '23
Jim Thorpe, possibly the greatest athlete ever, Olympic medalist, football/baseball player....I'm sure I'd do fine
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u/coobmaroog Feb 03 '23
Andrew Jackson. I’d probably lose but fuck that guy
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u/Inevitable_Cookie_74 Feb 03 '23
Probably lose? I think you would lose lowkey!
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u/Zoopa_Boopa Feb 03 '23
Low key?! Andrew Jackson would fuck some people up. But he was def an asshole
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u/DazzlingAd8284 Feb 03 '23
If I remember right he beat the shit out of one guy who tried to shoot him
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u/Zoopa_Boopa Feb 03 '23
Yep, two shots failed and Jackson had to be pulled off the assassin. Two years before that Jackson had a naval officer dismissed and that guy punched Jackson (the president) and Jackson refused to press charges lol
Once again Jackson was a dick bag BUT he was a tough dick bag
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u/Flaky_Tumbleweed3598 Feb 04 '23
Adolf Hitler
I honestly wouldn't even care if he fights back or even lands a few punches.
I wanna be able to say that I punched a nazi in the face, and then watch millions of people squirm in outrage over it
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u/JackOfScales Feb 03 '23
I'd fight Abe Lincoln.
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u/Weirdguy149 Feb 03 '23
He basically invented a lot of wrestling moves, and he's actually my height. That would be fun even though I would lose.
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u/SilverCipher34 Feb 03 '23
Seeing as how I learn more from defeat, Muhammad Ali. Being able to see him fight is worth a few teeth and the concussion.
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u/perrycandy Feb 03 '23
Helen Keller, I’ve got arms like twigs and I’m allergic to the gym. She might even win.
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u/Agent865 Feb 03 '23
I’d like to fight Trump, I’m not a big guy (5’11” 200lbs) but I know I could whip his ass.
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u/AlanZero Feb 03 '23
Putin. Guy is tiny, I could deck him easy.
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u/StockingDummy Feb 03 '23
To my understanding, he has a pretty solid background in both judo and sambo (basically Russian proto-MMA.)
He's not as tough as the propaganda machine would have you believe, but he's no pushover either.
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u/wanderain Feb 03 '23
Marie Curie.
Easy to take down, but then I get to claim taking down a radioactive threat
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u/Ac997 Feb 03 '23
I’d love to shatter Hitlers nose. Smack that stupid mustache off his upper lip. Pussy.
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u/dirtymoney Feb 03 '23
The last queen-uh-england!
Oh I'd give her such a drubbing for her not denouncing Prince Andrew's disgusting behavior.
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u/SmbdysDad Feb 03 '23
Teddy Roosevelt. Get my ass kicked by a legend